You have to pull through.

So, last night was probably the worst night ever for me. A bit of backround on this topic before I jump right into it. My mom and dad split up when I was about 2 or 3. And got divorced when I was 5ish. My mom has been with this other guy, Dave for 11 years, since I was 6 years of age. Now, this is not going to be just some random blog where I complain about my mom's boyfriend. I have my reasons. So, growing up, I noticed some violence in him. Towards not only me, but my brother, sister and my mother as well. I've been through a lot since he has been in my life. I've moved quite a few times to different places. Not complaining too much. Things got so bad at one point that I was out into foster care for a while. Well, a year and two days to be exact. But sister was placed about a year before that and my brother was placed with me. Well, needless to say, we all grew apart a bit more than I would like. My brother is now in a group home in Rochester and my sister is living with her boyfriend. And I am living with my mom and her boyfriend. And let me tell you, that is quite rough. I have been staying here since July 3rd of this year. Not long, I know. But, I have also been spending the past two years jumping back and forth between friends homes because I couldn't stay home. Y'see, my mom is independant for the most part, but she cant really control Dave. His rule is, if he pays the bills, he has the right to kick any of us out of the house when he wants. So that's that. So yeah. A different part of my backround that adds to this. I have been self harming for a little over four years now. And I am sure that the people who do read this, will probably read my words differently. Worse or better? I don't know. But whatever. Again, this is my blog and I have a freedom of speech. So, Dave and I basically fight a lot because he is a total douche bag. He decides to yell at me if my room is not cleaned properly. Which I do understand to a certain extent of course. Because with him, instead of asking me to clean my room , he yells at me and calls me all kinds of names. And so on. So, last night he took my cat and put her outside and told me I wasn't allowed to have her back. Then, he came in my room and told me it was a mess. But in fact, it wasn't. I had just cleaned it like, two days ago. And it was clean. As clean as I could get it. Because I have to work around the stuff of his that he decides to store in my room. My room is simply a closet. But he continued to yell at me and called me a pig. And said that I never did anything around the house and such. Given my past of self harm, I have to say that I am quite proud of myself for only harming myself twice in the past 9 months. But, with poeple who have lived off of doing things for so long, it's so hard not to do it. Y'know? And for everyone, you can only take so much before you break. Last night was my breaking point. Dave kept yelling at me and my mother was not doing too much about it. Well, becasue she really couldn't. So, I was in my room and then I stormed out of my room, and screamed that I was going to kill myself, grabbed a knife and went to my room, closed the doors and sat up against the other door in my room. Just to hear Dave yell about how he was glad that I was making the decision to kill myself, that no one would care and so on. And he kept telling me to do it. Of course, I was considering it. My mom came into the room and tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn't allowing her to do so. I just, didn't want a reason to not do it. And fyi, I have never self harmed or anything to the effect just for attention. People with real reasons, aren't doing it for attention. I never have, and never will. But anyways, I eventally cooled down with the help of no one at the point. I put the knofe down, but did not let my mom take it. I still have it in my room actually. I really wanted to do it. Because I am so sick of having to live a life where I am afraid to live in my own home. Or, the fact that I am not allowed to see my family. I am basiclly just sick of it all. Well, I did end up calling Natalie, Jessica, Kaylee and Amanda on Oovoo so I had someone to talk to. And who better to talk to then your four closest friends in the world when you need saving? I guess the idea of this is to, 1) Get my voice heard and 2) Raise some suicide awareness. Because, there are a lot of people out there with problems similar to my own. People who need help, but won't admit to it. But, you have to be able to see through them. And people who do have stories like this, I am here to speak with if you ever do need help. I obviously have been through enough to be able to try and help. I have been through a lot more than what I have described in this blog. But I suppose I will leave off here. Until next time. Signing off, A Lively Word.