Smile Victoria.

I rode the late bus today with Natalie. While sitting on the bus waiting at the middle school to leave, I noticed someone get on the bus. Someone that I knew. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at first but then realized that it was a young girl who lived down the road from me. I see her every morning. Struggling to find a seat because everyone on  my bus refuses to sit with her. Because, 'She is the girl with lice' and, 'She is so gross.' And of course, I don't find any of that to be true. I see her the same way I see everyother student who had just started Middle School; a tad skidish and shy. So, she got on the bus and sat in the seat front diagnol from Natalie and I. It started as any other bus ride with Natalie. Just talking, singing, looking at pictutes. All that fun stuff. I had complained that I was hungry, and then remembered that I had stolen some of Caitlin's generic thin mints from her lunch today. So, I took those out, took one for myself and gave one to Natalie. As soon as I handed one to Natalie and stated that there was four of them, two for the each of us, the young girl, Victoria, schooched hurridly to the end of the seat and asked if she could have one. I was not reluctent at all to give her one of my cookies. She took it and schooched hurrdily back into the seat. That made me feel a tad bad for her. The sense of her not having much in her life. So she consumed it before anyone could take it back. Natalie and I continued to talk and sing some more, and Victoria was playing with some paper. Which, with what she was doing, Natalie and I found it quite adorable. She was holding the piece of paper to her mouth, and was humming into it. She was quite amused with the small vibrating the paper, and her humming had produced. And honestly, so were Natalie and I. She continued for a little bit and Natalie made a bit of small talk to her. Well, after a little while longer of riding the bus, Victoria had layed down on the seat so she was facing the back of the bus. She was saying hello to another kid, who was completely ignoring her. Which I found to be quite rude. I mean, she was just saying hello. I don't see the harm in returning the favor. While I was waiting for a hello to make its way from the back of the bus, I noticed some other things being said. Things that I did not appriciate at all. The students in the back of the bus were making funof her. I can't remember exacty what was being said. But I do recall another girl saying that she hated Victoria. The reason why? I have no idea. But either way, it was just plain mean. Another thing that was quite mean, and made me feel terrible because I had no idea what to do about it was, when a kid from the back of the bus had gotten off, he walked past her and hit her in the face with his bag. I honestly don't know if it was intentional, but since he was one of the ones making fun of her, I had assumed it was. Natalie and I had asked her if she was okay. She said that it hurt. Which of course, made us a tad bit ehh. But, Natalie and I managed to make a bit more of small talk with her until Natalie had gotten off the bus. By the time that she had, Victoria was asleep. She had been saying something about her having a headache. So, she layed down and fell asleep. Before I got off the bus, she had waken up, seeing as how she got off after me. She asked me where I lived before we got there and I pointed to my house. She didn't realize that I had lived so close to her. She said, "If you live so close, how come you don't ride my bis in the morning?" I replied with, "I do." She said, "I've never seen you before." I said, "Well, you will tomorrow. I will make sure of it." I smiled at her and she smiled back, and I had gotten off. Now, I don't know what she has been through in her life, but if it has been filled with things like what happened on the bus, I feel terrible. I know there was nothing I could have done to help before, because I had just met her today. But, I know I can try to do something about it now. Having seen her smile today because I basically promised that I would make myself noticable to her tomorrow, made me feel great. I hope I can do that more often. I don't know what phases kids to make fun of others kids because they may be less fortunate than them. But, I wish it would stop. I don't think anyone should have to go through with being bullied in anyway. It's just wrong. Well, I suppose I am done with my banter. Time to do some homeowrk and such. And I look forward to riding the bus tomorrow. Signing off, A Lively Word.

You're Nothing Short Of My Everything..

So, last night was probably the worst night I have had in a very long time. Natalie and I broke up after fighting for three hours. That wasn't exactly how I expected my night to end. And it didn't exactly hit me until I was laying in bed, falling asleep on my own. As opposed to staying on Skype with her for the night. And sometimes even being lucky enough to see her in the morning. Not too often did that happen because her alarm that she sets for like, 5 in the morning turns it off. Oh how that bugged me, But it was okay. So, I have known Natalie for almost three years now. It will be three years on December 16th. About three years of total craziness. Complete and total chaos. I met her, we were friends, then best friends, then way more than best friends. We told each other that we liked each other on Valentines Day 2011. Within that time, we have managed to ruin a friendship by making a stupid decision, we have managed to dislike each other for a amount of time, then like each other, then dislike, and it went on for a while. Then we bacame friends again, and stayed that way for a while. Then, we decided to take it to the next step after flirting with each other for a while. We started dating, then we broke up. I think the main cause for tha was because she nor I were completely ready. We did end up getting back together. September 6th, 2012, the day before our junior year started. We have been together since last night. But, within the time we were together, I managed to realize that she was all I ever wanted. Still is actually. In the beginning, honestly it was a bit hard for me to picture myself having a future with her. But, its hard for me to picture my future in general. But, now I can. We haven't even been broken up for 24 hours yet, and it's enough for me. It's opened my eyes. It's obviosuly normal to think about the person you love a lot, after you break up. But this is different. I can't, nor will I ever stop thinkning about her. I have an endless choice of people that I know of that I could be with. But, I don't want anyone else but her. We bicker, a lot. We have our complete emotionless moments, but we make up for it. There are moments when I want to scream and yell at her. Smack her up a little bit. Walk away and never look back. She makes me want to rip my hair out, most of the time. She makes me so upset sometimes I could stangle her. Oh my God she irriatates me. But damn, I have no idea what I would do without her. She makes my world go 'round. She makes me happy, and I don't get to feel that often. But she manages to make me feel good about myself. Even if I don't show it often. I know I don't. But she does. I'm rambling. I have no idea what to say. I'm trying to talk about my feelings, but I'm just rambling. I just know I can't live any amount of time without her by my side. And just some normal friendship isn't nearly good enough for me. At all. I just, I don't know what to do. I don't want to live with a relationship that is full of bickering. Well, if it is a relationship with her, I can deal with it. Ugh. I'm just stupid. I am going to shut up now. Signing off, A Lively Word.

And that is all.

I'm a teenager. What is going on? I deserve to be happy, right? A happy relationship. What is this? I have nothing more to say. Signing off, A Lively Word.

The Truth Always Hurts

Have you ever loved someone so much you hated them? Or hated someone so much you loved them? Or maybe you just have a mutual love and hate feeling for them? That's what I feel for Dave. My mom's boyfriend, as you know if you read my previous blog. When it comes to Dave, it's both hard and easy to love or hate him. After everything he has put me through, from, taking away my oppurtunity to see my family, to, taking away almost every chance I have ever had of being happy. He has still been there for me for a large portion of my life. Half of the time, he made a better father than my actual father ever was. As of about, four or five months ago, he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. He has managed to maintain his blood sugar pretty well. Of course he has his moments where his blood sugar is too high or too low. But, he has been able to handle it. With the diabetes, my mother and I have noticed a slight difference in him. Obviously. He has settled down with his anger a bit. But, he still has his  moments. But, anyways, he went to the doctors the other day for blood work. He got a call from the doctors office today. They told him to come in on the 29th. Three weks away from today. That was the soonest they could get him in. Well, I guess there is something wrong. Something not good at all. They won't tell him on the phone. I guess they want to speak with him in person. Well, this has obviously gotten him, my mother and I worried. I mean, why wouldn't it. I had one of those moments today. The one where, when you hear some bad news about someone that is important to you, and then suddenly, every single moment that you have ever had with that person, flashes before you. All of the good times, and all of the bad times. And you sit there, and suddenly, all of those times mean so much more to you then they ever did before. Somehow, even the bad times mean so much to you. I remember almost everything in my childhood. I don't know how I do it. But I do. I remember when my mom first brought Dave over to my house. All of the times we would all sit in the kitchen cooking dinner, waiting for him to get home. All of the times we had to move to different places. The time, when I had some trouble going on down in the city when I lived there. And I remember thinking that day, that I wished Dave was there with me, because I knew that he would be able to protect me. All of the holidays that we all spent together. One of my facorite memories was on Christmas 7 years ago. My mom had been saying for so long that she didn't want a dog. But, Dave was late coming to my grandmothers house and no one knew why excpet for my grandmother. Well, what had happened was, he went a bought a dog. He brought him into the house and my mother flipped. So bad. It was so funny. But, she obviously got used to it, seeing as how we still have the dog. I gotta say, even through all of the times I wished my mom had never met Dave. He is still one of the most important people in my life. I know that, no matter how many times he's yelled at me and kicked me out of this house, or told me that he didn't like us kids, or anything like that, he would always be there for me. If I ever actually needed something, he would help me get it. He's like my dad. And, I couldn't stand to see him leave. As much as I hate to admitt it, I do love him. Well, I suppose I should go. Signing off, A Lively Word.

What if, you were the ice breaker?

I just want to let you all know, depression is not a game. I know this is a tad random, but still. For all of those people out there who find it funny to pick on kids who are depressed, you need to stop. Depression is a real battle for the people that have to go through it. When you pick on someone who endures this, you're actually making it a considerable amount worse. For people who battle this, it could either be just depression, or it could get bad enough to be suicidal. And when you pick on the ones that have gotten to the stage of suicide, imagine what you are doing to them. Consider this, when a person becomes suicidal, it is hard for them to hear anything out of hatred. Especially if it's directed towards them. Now, all mean words hurt anybody you say them too. But to these people especially, it hurts more. People usually become suicidal when they have been through so much bad in their life, that they don't see the need to continue on with it.  Now, imagine if you walk up to someone, who you know battles with these everyday thoughts, and you call them some rude name, or mock what they do, whatever it may be. What if they had finally been clean of harming themselves for a while, and were very proud of themselves. But, it wouldn't take much to break them. And your words were it. What if, after what you said to them, they went home and they did something unexplainable? What if, they ended their life? Could you really imagine that? The guilt you would feel if you actually did happen to have a heart in the first place? You would have to walk around everyday, with everyone knowing that you were the reason. You'd get those hateful stares, and those terrible glares. They burn you from the outside in. Then, not only that, you have to live with this guilt every single day for the rest of your life. I can bet, you will think about it every single night before your head hits the pillow. Now, I am not saying it is completely your fault, because it was also all of the other things that they were going through that led to it as well. You were just the ice breaker. Now, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to live like that. I suppose the actual reason of this entry is to get the point across that bullying is not okay. Not physically, or emotionally. It's just not right. In no way shape or form. What if you had to go through that every single day? What if, you were the one that got so sick of life that you were just done with it? I don't think you would like it either. It's just something for you to ponder. Until next time. Signing off, A Lively Word.

You have to pull through.

So, last night was probably the worst night ever for me. A bit of backround on this topic before I jump right into it. My mom and dad split up when I was about 2 or 3. And got divorced when I was 5ish. My mom has been with this other guy, Dave for 11 years, since I was 6 years of age. Now, this is not going to be just some random blog where I complain about my mom's boyfriend. I have my reasons. So, growing up, I noticed some violence in him. Towards not only me, but my brother, sister and my mother as well. I've been through a lot since he has been in my life. I've moved quite a few times to different places. Not complaining too much. Things got so bad at one point that I was out into foster care for a while. Well, a year and two days to be exact. But sister was placed about a year before that and my brother was placed with me. Well, needless to say, we all grew apart a bit more than I would like. My brother is now in a group home in Rochester and my sister is living with her boyfriend. And I am living with my mom and her boyfriend. And let me tell you, that is quite rough. I have been staying here since July 3rd of this year. Not long, I know. But, I have also been spending the past two years jumping back and forth between friends homes because I couldn't stay home. Y'see, my mom is independant for the most part, but she cant really control Dave. His rule is, if he pays the bills, he has the right to kick any of us out of the house when he wants. So that's that. So yeah. A different part of my backround that adds to this. I have been self harming for a little over four years now. And I am sure that the people who do read this, will probably read my words differently. Worse or better? I don't know. But whatever. Again, this is my blog and I have a freedom of speech. So, Dave and I basically fight a lot because he is a total douche bag. He decides to yell at me if my room is not cleaned properly. Which I do understand to a certain extent of course. Because with him, instead of asking me to clean my room , he yells at me and calls me all kinds of names. And so on. So, last night he took my cat and put her outside and told me I wasn't allowed to have her back. Then, he came in my room and told me it was a mess. But in fact, it wasn't. I had just cleaned it like, two days ago. And it was clean. As clean as I could get it. Because I have to work around the stuff of his that he decides to store in my room. My room is simply a closet. But he continued to yell at me and called me a pig. And said that I never did anything around the house and such. Given my past of self harm, I have to say that I am quite proud of myself for only harming myself twice in the past 9 months. But, with poeple who have lived off of doing things for so long, it's so hard not to do it. Y'know? And for everyone, you can only take so much before you break. Last night was my breaking point. Dave kept yelling at me and my mother was not doing too much about it. Well, becasue she really couldn't. So, I was in my room and then I stormed out of my room, and screamed that I was going to kill myself, grabbed a knife and went to my room, closed the doors and sat up against the other door in my room. Just to hear Dave yell about how he was glad that I was making the decision to kill myself, that no one would care and so on. And he kept telling me to do it. Of course, I was considering it. My mom came into the room and tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn't allowing her to do so. I just, didn't want a reason to not do it. And fyi, I have never self harmed or anything to the effect just for attention. People with real reasons, aren't doing it for attention. I never have, and never will. But anyways, I eventally cooled down with the help of no one at the point. I put the knofe down, but did not let my mom take it. I still have it in my room actually. I really wanted to do it. Because I am so sick of having to live a life where I am afraid to live in my own home. Or, the fact that I am not allowed to see my family. I am basiclly just sick of it all. Well, I did end up calling Natalie, Jessica, Kaylee and Amanda on Oovoo so I had someone to talk to. And who better to talk to then your four closest friends in the world when you need saving? I guess the idea of this is to, 1) Get my voice heard and 2) Raise some suicide awareness. Because, there are a lot of people out there with problems similar to my own. People who need help, but won't admit to it. But, you have to be able to see through them. And people who do have stories like this, I am here to speak with if you ever do need help. I obviously have been through enough to be able to try and help. I have been through a lot more than what I have described in this blog. But I suppose I will leave off here. Until next time. Signing off, A Lively Word.